(A video screen with a 30 something woman, blotchy face, no make-up, hair up in a bun, one bruised eye, sitting cross legged looking straight back at the audience, should be wearing a very bright 80s print shirt)
Juniper: So she threw my clothes out the window, yeah out the window, in a bag ….
I guess she was wearing the mask, gloves, the whole shebang….
I don’t know I just nipped in to collect, didn’t do the royal wave, I mean am I supposed to wear tracksuit bottoms for a month, and the same bra?
…no it was below my window, obviously…
it’s not like she’d set it on fire.. she’s not….
(A cat starts yowling in the background and continues throughout.)
SHUT UP PRIMROSE! Jesus Christ. This cat. What? No, she’s fine, just horny.
I dunno, a black bin bag I think. Why does it matter?
Yeah. It’s normal. It’s called being in heat. Yeah, well, what am I supposed to do?…
What? I’m not just going to find a random cat on my walk and be some kind of cat pimp.
No … I couldn’t call in, immuno deficient or whatever ….
yeah I know it was good of her, but it’s not exactly something you plan …
What? oh, yeah that’s her, clawing at the door. You know she wet the bed yesterday?
….. No, it was 3am so I just covered it with a towel.
What? Well, yeah……. it’s cat piss. Febreze……What?
Oh no, I think that’s just if you rub it into your eyes, but sure I’m not touching my face at the moment anyway.
(Yowling becomes particularly loud)
SHUT UP PRIMROSE!
Well it wasn’t easy….
no not by text Jesus, I think it was Zoom or Houseparty ……
true, whatsapp would’ve worked just as well…..
yeah she cried and apologised again, said it was an accident…
fair enough, you can’t control what happens when you are asleep.
Mum says it was her subconscious acting out and creating physical distance……
with the elbow.
….I don’t know.
…..Not usually in the eye, no.
Well yeah, she gets the apartment, but I get the honeymoon experience. I mean I waited six weeks. That’s decent right?
……You’ve seen the pics on Instagram. I liked your sourdough. Do you have to feed the starter everyday? Do you set an alarm?
…..Yeah six weeks, if you count the first time, you know the full cup of tea.
Well ten years is a long time, so it did feel strange, but it’s like we were ghosts sharing the same haunted house so…
like a desert…
PRIMROSE! Shut up!
Well I didn’t know it wasn’t normal. They don’t tell you those things in RSE.
(Checks her watch, cautiously)
Ah flip, I have to go…
well yeah. I get thirty minutes. Yes, thirty, Okay, cool, tomorrow. Bye, bye, bye, bye, bye.
(Screen goes blank)
Writer, teacher and 80’s music enthusiast from Dublin. Published on visual verse, the mondegreen and headstuff.org