As I sit here in my bed watching the rain fall outside my window and listen to the sound of the birds in the tree while my cat purrs beside me, I am caught by a strange feeling of excitement about the time I have been given to pause. This pause has been a gift to allow me connect with all of life, like the blackbird that sang all afternoon in my garden. My cat sat below the tree and even he was mesmerised by the melodic music. Although the world is in lockdown nature is ignorant of the pandemic and flourishes as if nothing has changed. The leaves are appearing again on the trees, the flowers are blossoming, the sun comes up, the moon appears in the night sky, the stars sparkle and life goes on. Nature appears to be as normal and yet nothing is as normal for me or most of the world. I am at home with my self and my thoughts and how my life has been so far and how I have a sense of abandonment like when I was a young girl and my father left without saying goodbye. I have a sense of goodbyes I never heard, and never said as I did not know at the time they were goodbyes. I have a sense of grief for the life I did not even know I had. I have a sense of loss of what is no longer here and yet I have a sense of excitement of the possibilities yet to emerge. The joys of life still available like the ignorance of the animals, the trees, the birds, the flowers and even the children who still play outside my window happy to be, just be, be here, be present, just pause.
Pause pause pause.
It is black and white, it is loss and it is gain, it is a joy and a sadness, it is an opportunity and a challenge yet somehow there appears to be more light than dark. I feel I have allowed the dark disappear into the background. I feel like I have left the womb, I have been born into a new world where nothing is the same and yet everything is familiar. A world where I get to choose my future and how I want my life to be. I get to say goodbye to the life that was no longer serving me and I get to say hello to a new life of possibility. I get to stop, I get to meditate, I get to journal, I get to reflect, I get to be present here now in the ebb and flow of life as it is. Allow life as it is pass by like a river, like the ocean, riding the waves of life.
Pause pause pause.
What do I want? What do I need to do to fulfil the life of my dreams? What part of me do,I need to leave behind? What part of me do I need to say goodbye to, to grieve, to release? What part of me needs to dissolve so that I can move forward in this messy, uneasy, uncertain world of the future . What do I want? What do I want? What do I want? Yes me yes me yes me. Have I ever asked that question before? Have I ever been honest before? Can I be honest now?
Pause pause pause.