Mood swings when the real ones can’t by Michele Long

My favourite time of the day. Those precious moments between being asleep and fully awake, when there might still be a chance that your life is different.
A child babbles on a balcony next door, and makes you smile. Makes you feel happy.
You try to guess the time by the small amount of sun remaining on your north facing balcony.
You try to catch the moments of stillness between the frantic sounds on the busy road where you live. They are there if you wait patiently. It is always good to wait. Patiently.

Later, you will take a walk and do your laps, in the park you are starting to detest and have a familial, love-hate relationship with.
Lap 1, you will see more groups of people together, having picnics, having a chat, sunbathing, enjoying the easing of restrictions, enjoying the bank holiday sun.
With each lap it will become harder to bear…
Why are You alone?
Where are Your small group of friends and family?
Having a celebratory socially-distanced catch up, somewhere else?

Lap 3, you see the same people, in the same places, enjoying themselves a little more.
Lap 4, you are starting to get a little angry, you might go home, even though you are enjoying the feel of the warm sunshine on your skin.
Lap 5, you now hate everyone in this park. You change radio stations, and listen to the music of a live concert through your headphones. You lie down in the grass. You let the tears fall.
You look up at the sky, at all that joyous blue, at the white fluffy clouds that seem to change to faces, scolding you.
You close your eyes.. You open them again.. the scolding faces are still there above.. but soon the music takes over and enters your body… You remember how it feels to be connected, to belong.
Your feet tap, your body moves to the rhythm, your fingers join in and then your head.
You open your eyes.
The scolding faces dissolve and move on.

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