I alays knew you’d do something like this. Dialogue by Tony McCarthy

“Hi Granda .Are you alright”
“I am Sean. I’m okay”
“But what are you doing on the ground? Are you doing the Joe Wicks exercises?”
“No Sean. No. Get your mother”
“Can’t you get up Granda! Why stay lying there?”
“No! I can’t Sean. Get your mother”
“What happened Granda?”
I will tell you later Sean. Get your mother please.”

“Mum, mum Granda wants you”
“What does he want now. Always looking for attention.”
“He’s on the floor Mum”
On the floor where? What’s he doing there?”
“At the bottom of the stairs”

“I’m coming. Granda what are you doing”
“Can’t you see I have fallen and can’t get up”
“What happened yez?”
“I slipped off the bottom step of the stairs”
“Were you at that whiskey bottle again?”
“No. I was doing the exercises”
“What exercises?”
“The ones on television for us older people who can’t go out to exercise.”
“That’s a laugh. The only exercise you ever did was walk the 50 yards to the pub. Was it arm exercises you were doing?”
“Cut the sarcasm and get me off the ground. You were complaining when I was doing no exercise and now you are mocking me for doing it. Will you get me up!”
“I’m sure Joe what you call him, didn’t fall in his programme”
“Who said I was watching exercise programmes?”
“Well what put the idea into your head?”
“Didn’t the Minister say that we should get in exercise!”
“I always knew you’d do something like this. Imagine listening to bloody politicians. When did they ever tell the truth?
“Are you going to spend the day pontificating or are you going to help me off the floor?”
“Why can’t you get up yourself?”
“Do you not see that my leg is twisted under me?”
“What leg?”
“You must be bloody blind. It’s you should be going to Specsavers”

“I’ll help you Granda. Straighten your leg”
“Stop! Sean that really hurts”
“Do you think its broken Granda?”
“It’s very sore Sean”
“Granda I’ll get the sweeping brush and we will put the head of it under your arm and use that as a lever to lift you up”
“Good man Sean. I always knew you were a clever lad. If I’m not moved soon, I will have hypothermia”

“Will you stop being stupid Dad. Sure, the central heating is on”.
“Well I’m shivering”
“That’s probably shock. Sure, you got a fright”
“A fright. I’m in bloody pain”

“Now Granda. Put this under your arm.”
“Would it be better under the other arm Sean?”
“No Granda. It must be under your right arm because it’ your right leg is sore”
“Sore! I think it’s feckin broken”
“Mum you take Granda’s other hand and we will all lift together. Granda you push down on your armpit. Are we ready?”
“All together 1-2”
“Stop Mum. When Granda stands up he will want a chair to sit on”
“Well don’t be talking about it. Get one”

“Are you alright Dad?”
“What do you mean am I alright. The bloody pain is killing me.”

“Here’s a chair and I decided to ring the ambulance”
“Why did you do that. Couldn’t we try it first?”
“Mum I don’t want Granda lying on the floor for hours”
“It’s been bloody long time already Sean”

“Now Granda put this under your arm and Mum have you the other arm caught?”
“Okay Sean I have”
“Now, altogether 1-2-3”
“Jesus that hurt Sean”
“We were almost there Granda so we will give it another go. Everybody ready 1-2-3 “.
“Stop. Stop the pain is killing me.”

“Mum the ambulance is outside. They have just enough room to squeeze in through the door”

“Hello! Hello! What have we here?”
” Granda slipped off the stairs and hurt his leg and he can’t get up”
“Let’s see. Where’s the pain boss?”
“All over my right leg”
“You look uncomfortable there so Jim give a hand and we will turn him over. What’s your name?”
“Okay Denis are you comfortable there on your back?”
“That’s better lads”
“Now Denis where exactly is it paining?”
“Up at my knee”
“Right we will have to cut the trousers. Jim pass me the scissors please”
“Oh! Christ no. That’s the trousers of my best Sunday suit”
“I’m afraid there is no option as we must examine your knee. We must avoid going to hospitals in this crisis if we can manage it”

“What were you doing wearing your good trousers. Sure, today is not Sunday.”
“I was hoping to slip down to Murphy’s for a pint.”
“Dad how stupid of you. You know you are not a young fellow anymore and the Minister said that people your age should be cocooned”
“I don’t believe a word these Ministers say”
“Were you not exercising as requested by the Minister”
No! I wasn’t. I just said that as I knew you would be giving jaw. I was coming downstairs after putting on my good trousers”

“Well Denis. A quick examination does not indicate anything more than a twist. You will be fine in a few hours but when this virus has passed if it is giving any trouble get it x-rayed. Take a few paracetamols going to bed and you will be fine”.
“I hope so. Will I need a crutch?”
“No. I don’t think so. But Murphy’s is out of bounds. We’re off but if you need us you know where we are”
“Cheerio and thanks”

“Well Dad you’ll survive. When I heard about the cocooning, I always knew you’d do something stupid like this and on top of it you have ruined your good as well. Let that be a lesson to you”


Member of Dun Laoghaire Active Retirement Writing Group tutor Frances Browner

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