Act 1, BEFORE THE MURDER
Scene 1
NARRATOR
This is Ramona’s Corona Helpline. Here, young, underpaid workers answer phone calls all day.
This is Ramona herself, the one who runs the whole place. She loves money, and allegedly is an expert on coronavirus.
Here is Ramona’s secretary, Raymondella. She is a hippy.
This is a worker, Sydney. She is Californian and very irritating.
This is another worker, Vanessa. She hates her job and loves her nails.
Here is our last worker, Mildred. She loves maggots, and thinks she is helping them take over the world.
And here is the janitor, Matt. He enjoys eating pear, blue cheese and walnut salad and drowning maggots (which make their way into the building a surprising amount) in sherry.
Everything here was just fine and dandy, except of course the bribery, the less than minimum wage the workers received, the false advertising and lies.
Scene 2
MILDRED walks down corridor and sees Matt drowning maggots in sherry
MILDRED
Noooo!!!! What are you doing????!!! *Attempts to grab the bottle of sherry*
MATT
I am drowning these flipping maggots in sherry. Or I was, until you came along.
MILDRED
Well, that’s the point. Stop drowning these darlings! You diabolical being!
MATT
Security? Security? Oh. There is no security. I forgot. *Awkward pause* Well, please give me back my sherry, you weirdo, so I can keep drowning maggots.
MILDRED
I shall get my revenge, just you wait and see…!
MATT
If you say so….
Scene 3
MILDRED is in the toilet, with her handbag and a bottle of insect repellant.
MILDRED (mutters)
Revenge is sweet!
Sneaks into cafeteria and sits down next to MATT and VANESSA (RAMONA is in her office eating caviar, RAYMONDELLA and SYDNEY are off plotting.
MILDRED (creepily)
Helloooo, everyone.
VANESSA (without looking up)
Yo.
Peers at left pinkie
God that’s really chipped.
MATT (Stops eating his pear blue cheese and walnut salad)
Are you feeling ok? Your voice is really…. deep and creepy.
MILDRED (still creepily)
Oh, I’m fine, don’t you worry about me.
MATT stares at her for a while.
VANESSA shrieks extremely loudly
MATT rushes over to her, convinced something dreadful has happened
MILDRED puts insect repellant on his salad while no one’s looking
VANESSA
I broke a nail!! Nooooooo!!!!
MATT
For goodness’s sake Vanessa! I thought you were dying!!
MILDRED (quietly)
It’s not her that’s doing the dying today…!!
MATT
Flip, what’s up with her. *Eats salad for approximately two minutes* *Gasps*
VANESSA
Sup?
MATT
Water….water!!
MILDRED gives him water
MATT (gasping and coughing)
Someone…… salad!
VANESSA
That’s a salad lover… hang on!! He’s dying!!
MILDRED
Quick off the mark as usual.
VANESSA
Oh, be quiet. Help!! Someone!! Help!!
MATT (falls off bench and writhes around a bit)
Help…! Help me…. *lies still*
MILDRED (bursts into fake tears)
Noo!! He’s gone!! Why?! He was my friend!!
VANESSA
Someone get Ramona! A man has died!
MATT
What?
VANESSA
A man is on death’s door, then!
MATT
Well that makes me feel a whole lot better.
RAMONA (rushes in)
Oh my… waffles!! What shall we do, Raymondella? *Pause* Raymondella?
RAYMONDELLA
Here, Ramona. I mean, try to peace out that poor guy, death is stressful, we want him to go cool.
RAMONA
Oh, stop speaking hippie.
MATT (hoarsely)
I am dying here….
MILDRED
Yes! My best friend here is dying!
Matt dies
Scene 4
In Ramona’s office
RAMONA
This is a crisis! A man is dead! If any of our clients hear about this…!
RAYMONDELLA
Peace out, Ramona. The man can go home quietly and the family can have the funeral.
RAMONA
It was murder, Raymondella! It was not natural! We need to find out who did it, then call 999 and tell them who did it and then call the family and tell them to collect the corpse.
VANESSA
Well that will make for a cheerful phone conversation.
RAMONA
Shut it, you.
MILDRED (still pretending to cry)
Who will investigate?
RAMONA
I nominate…. Vanessa! For a pay rise, will you investigate this murder?
VANESSA
I can’t stand the sight of blood…
RAMONA glares at her
VANESSA
But, yes!! Of course, I will!!
MILDRED
OK!! OK!! Brilliant! Fine! Great! OK!! So!! I will just be going!! Good!! I’m happy!!
RAMONA
What’s up with her?
RAYMONDELLA
She has lost her inner peace.
VANESSA (sarcastically)
Oh, obviously.
Scene 5
Everyone sitting back at their desks.
RAMONA (over intercom)
A murder has taken place. Vanessa Reynolds is investigating. Do not touch the body. For a pay rise, everyone is to stay in this building until the body is gone. DO NOT tell anyone outside the company about the murder, no, not even your family, Sydney Williams.
SYDNEY
Aww. I always tell them how my day went!
VANESSA
Right. I am going to the bathroom!! *she goes*
In the bathroom
Vanessa paints her nails tweed so she looks more Sherlock Holmes-y.
Act 2, THE INVESTIGATION
Scene 1
VANESSA
I am going to solve this murder! *prods the body* Right. He’s dead. His name was Matt. *Takes out her phone* How… to… solve… a… murder. Perfect… Wikihow? No… hmm… right…. witnesses! Witnesses! Can I get the witnesses?
RAYMONDELLA, RAMONA, MILDRED and SYDNEY arrive.
MILDRED
Hang on, Sydney wasn’t there, was she?
SYDNEY
Um…. yeah, I was, honey bunches. I was there all the time.
RAYMONDELLA
She totally was. Peace out, Mildred.
VANESSA
Right, does anyone have… a notebook? Can I get a notebook?
RAMONA (hands her a notebook)
We couldn’t have done it! We weren’t there!
VANESSA
Now, now, who’s we?
RAMONA
Me and my secretary, obviously!
Vanessa
OK, you can go. (She scribbles) Two down, one to go. (She looks up, says cheerfully) So it was one of you, wasn’t it? (She pauses) Oh no, I am a suspect too.
SYDNEY
Honey bunches, did you do it?
VANESSA
No. Now I need to work out our… motives.
MILDRED (saying sarcastically)
This could take some time.
Scene 2
VANESSA (inspecting the bin)
According to my phone, there could be clues in here.
SYDNEY
Honey bunches, I don’t-
VANESSA (says threateningly)
STOP calling me honey bunches!!
SYDNEY
OK sweetie-pie.
VANESSA (growls)
So in the bin there is… some takeout cartons, juice cartons, coffee cups and some insect repellant. Interesting. I thought we had switched to mugs in the cafeteria now. Anyway.
MILDRED
Who would spray insect repellant on themselves indoors in Ireland?
SYDNEY
Good question, Maria!
MILDRED (through gritted teeth)
It’s Mildred.
VANESSA
Hmm… someone probably poisoned Matt with it! So, method of murder: poisoned with insect repellant! We have made exemplary advances. So, Mildred, Vanessa or Sydney sprayed insect repellant on his salad… (looks confused) but he would’ve noticed.
MILDRED
It could have been while you shrieked about your nails.
VANESSA
Which means I didn’t do it! He was glaring at me all the time!
SYDNEY
Yay! I’m glad it wasn’t you!
Scene 3
It’s breaktime
In the broom cupboard
(Mildred has whisked Vanessa in here)
MILDRED (sounding scared but actually putting it on)
It wasn’t me! It must have been Sydney!
VANESSA
I haven’t done motives yet, but-
The broom cupboard door opens, and Vanessa and Mildred hide at the back
RAYMONDELLA and SYDNEY enter
RAYMONDELLA (sounds angry)
At least I’m not a murderer!
SYDNEY (voice is high pitched)
I didn’t do it! It must have been that Mildred woman!
RAYMONDELLA
Anway, how shall we rob the Great CEO?
SYDNEY
We really need a better code name for Ramona.
RAYMONDELLA
Shush! In answer to my question, we could knock her out. Or you could distract her while I rob her bag.
SYDNEY
When?
RAYMONDELLA
When she’s asking that Vanessa person who did it?
SYDNEY
Perfect!
They leave
MILDRED (whispers hysterically)
I knew it was her!!!
VANESSA (rushes out of cupboard)
I NEED TO DO THE MOTIVES NOW!
Scene 4
RAMONA
Raymondella! The stocks are up! Bring me a cup of black coffee, please, I need a celebratory drink.
RAYMONDELLA
Here you go, Great CEO. *Awkward pause* ooooh…
RAMONA
Are you slagging me?
RAYMONDELLA
It’s just our code name! *Yes, another awkward pause* ooooh…
RAMONA
WHAT is going on?
RAYMONDELLA
Sydney and I were planning to… eat your lunch!
RAMONA
Dis-graceful! I may have to demote you, Raymondella!
RAYMONDELLA (whimpers)
Oh, no, please don’t! That would be so not cool!
RAMONA
I shall ponder. Count yourself very lucky you have such a fair employer!
Scene 5
VANESSA (shouts at random intervals)
NOW on to the IMPORTANT bit, everyone, the MOTIVES!
SYDNEY
Please don’t shout honey bunches.
VANESSA
I told you not to call me that!
SYDNEY
OK, rainbow sugar.
VANESSA (sighs in disgust)
MOTIVES, people! What are the reasons for killing people? Let me just…. google that…. OK. Money, power, love, fear, revenge.
MILDRED (gives an unrealistic whimper)
Oh, those are awful.
VANESSA
Yes, yes, yes. So; Sydney’s motive: Matt knew she was trying to mug Ramona and she killed him to shut him up, or, Mildred didn’t like to see him killing maggots and killed him for revenge. Bit weak, but OK.
MILDRED
Yes, my motive is very weak. Don’t you think it was her?
VANESSA
I am not taking sides, Mildred! Anyway, I need to further investigate your alibis.
SYDNEY
Yah, Mildred. You shouldn’t make assumptions. Anyway, I have an alibi that Raymondella will back up. So hmmmph!
VANESSA
Well that changes things.
END OF ACT 2
Act 3: THE DENOUEMENT OF SORTS
Scene 1
VANESSA
Raymondella? Someone, get Raymondella.
RAYMONDELLA
I’m here!
RAMONA
Yes, I’m here too. But I thought we weren’t suspects?
MILDRED
Oh, you’re not, we just need Raymondella to not back up some nonsense alibi of Sydney’s.
RAYMONDELLA
Well, actually-
MILDRED
LIES!
VANESSA
Ah, ah, ah, let her finish!
MILDRED (sulkily)
Sorry, Vanessa.
RAYMONDELLA
It’s not lies, I was with Sydney all the way through lunch.
VANESSA
Plotting to rob Ramona?
SYDNEY
No….! We would never…! *gasps* I don’t know how…! What put this nonsense into your head…?!
MILDRED
It’s not nonsense! We heard you, in the broom cupboard!
RAYMONDELLA
Well, the sentence is, like, shorter for planning robbery than murder, so yes, totally, we totally were, and we totally weren’t murdering anyone. Peace out, Sydney!
SYDNEY
OMG! You little… we are getting that 350 quid and we are getting it now!
VANESSA
Order, order! *bashes table with stick*
RAMONA
Where did you get that stick?
VANESSA
Found it. On the ground. Anyway, RAYMONDELLA, can you or can you not back up this “alibi” of Sydney’s?
RAYMONDELLA
I guess so. It’s so far out, man, the way you, like, solved this whole murder thing. I reckon we all need some meditation, right? Y’all look pretty stressed. It’s such cosmic karma, though! I was wondering why you, like wanted to solve this murder? But then I answered my own deep question; cuz life is a journey, sweetie, and you just gotta go with the flow. And you did. And that is the cosmic karma! Now, Sydney, we should just fire ourselves, because that is what is going to happen anyway… *she leaves and Sydney follows*
RAMONA
Fired!
Scene 2
MILDRED (shrieks)
It wasn’t me!!! It wasn’t it wasn’t!
VANESSA
Musta been. You… saw Matt drowning maggots… wanted revenge! Killed him with the, um, the… insect repellant thingy while I broke my nail *sniffs mournfully* and then he died! And boom! It was you!
MILDRED
Oh, no, pleeeeaaaase, we were friends, Vanessa Sweeney!
RAMONA
You were “friends” with Max, too. *pause* Matt. Whatever his name was. Now. We call 999, you can do that Vanessa, check the stocks for good look and – don’t let her get away! Yes, maybe tie her to that cupboard for the moment, and then call Matt’s- nooooooo!!!!!!
VANESSA
What? What?
RAMONA
The stoooooocks!!!! They’ve gone down! HANG ON A SECOND! Irish Time Time Singular Not Plural We Aren’t A Rip Off of The Irish Times We Only Do Business News have an article called Two Ex-Workers of Ramona’s Corona Helpline Have Leaked the Fact That A Murder Has Taken Place in the Company and Yes This Is Business News Because Now Ramona’s Corona Helpline Is Almost Bankrupt! It was Sydney and Raymondella!!!!
MILDRED
That newspaper really need an editor.
VANESSA
True words. Probably truer than most of the things you’ve been saying today. K. 9 – 9 – 9. Hello? Hello…? I’d like the police, please… thanks… oh, hi. Just, a man got murdered, and we know who did it, so could you arrest them? Please…? What?! All that investigation for nothing?!…. Well, come anyway… Vanessa. Vanessa Sweeney?… Right, thanks. *hangs up*
RAMONA
I am promoting you to secretary, Vanessa. With Raymondella gone, we need a new secretary. With Sydney gone, you promoted and Mildred in prison, we need three new 5 til 9-ers and with Matt sadly gone too, we need a new janitor. Start lining up interviews!
VANESSA
Thank you! I won’t! Because I resign!
RAMONA
Whaaaaaah?!
VANESSA
I am going to go work in a nail salon when they re-open. Toodle pip!
RAMONA
Now I need… to line up interviews myself? Ugh. You just can’t get the staff these days.
MILDRED
You’ll always have me!
RAMONA
You are going to prison. But if you aren’t then just send me an email.
THE END