The Act of self-grooming and pending disasters. A journal entry by Cathy McGrath

In this time of cocooned self-isolation, I think I’ve come up with a significant discovery. I think, now mind it’s still in the initial stages of testing, but I do think I may have disproved the Darwin theory of Evolution. We cannot have evolved from apes, well I certainly cannot have. And here it is, my major discovery— self-grooming is certainly not in my natural abilities and the way I have read it this is a very natural thing to any other primate, especially the apes. Self-grooming for me is proving to be nigh on impossible. I don’t think I got this particular talent from my ancestors, the apes. Perhaps this point doesn’t quite disprove Darwinism, but I think I have something here and I’m going to continue with my research, I am going to retreat to my lab—my bathroom— and further experiment.
You see, the apes being very competent at this self-grooming, if they were our predecessors, we really should have inherited and mastered this art. But, so far I have cut my hair (well, to be perfectly honest a relative, my daughter, did it, but this kind of family lending a hand in the grooming department is prevalent in the ape world I think); I have dyed my hair and now waxed my legs and am at a self-appreciation standstill. The only problem is my mirror is telling me a very honest story, ‘mirror, mirror on the wall’ and all that, it is telling me I look worse.
My next experiment, in my lab, of course, I certainly won’t do this in the kitchen, is to bend over fully with a small pair of scissors in hand and attempt to straighten up the toenails. I may use a nail file and a light pink polish too, but this is all hinged entirely on whether or not I can actually reach this area of my anatomy and of course how long I can stay there without becoming seriously dizzy and perhaps, disorientated.
I will keep you posted but to all you anti Darwinians out there I think I am on to something.