The A-Z of Life in Lockdown, a poem by Clive Oseman

Berks. Boneheads. Badly behaved
blithering bozo- brained buffoons.

Caution! Crackpot conspiracy codswallop can cause comas.
Clive cracks, commences a concerted kicking
and continues ceaselessly until you’re comatose.

Distancing. Do it, dickheads.

Enthusiasm eroded. Energy non-existent.
Entirely exasperated.
Ennui.

Flatulence? Flippin ‘eck! Fart furiously, like funder.
Freely, fearlessly.
Fantastic!

Getting grumpy? Going gaga? Guilty of greed?
Generosity’s a good goal.
Gofundme. Gobby Ginger. Gimme gimme gimme.
Great

Hoping your holiday’s not hexed? Happiness in the heat?
Hahahahaha.
Headcase.

If isolation is inciting insanity,
it is incredibly important not to integrate
with idiots and imbeciles who ignore instructions.

Jimjams, Judge Judy, junkfood, Jameson’s, Joints!
Kaleidoscopic Koalas knitting kippers
Kinky kangaroos in khaki kimonos.
Kowabunga!

Lockdown’s little luxuries.
Long lazy lie ins, lots of literature. Loo rolls.

Meaningless Monday mornings.
Masks, mass mayhem, martial law, maybe?
Mars Bars. Meat pies. Macaroons.
Miraculous manboobs.

New Nostradamus nonsense is nigh.
Nozza nerds notice nuances in his nebulous narratives.
Never when needed, naturally.

Outrageous obfuscations originate online.
Be objective, open minded, observant.
Obnoxious Oddballs obliterate optimism.

Prats purchasing pasta in a panic.
Pandemonium prevails.
Poor people eat potnoodles or perish.
Paracetamol? Pah! Push off.

Quack remedies. Quarantine. Queues.
Quarrels over quotas.
I quit.

Rules and regulations. Regular reviews.
Radical restrictions repeatedly renewed.
Read for recreation
Recite a retro song.
Ring a ring a roses?
That’s really, really, wrong.

Socialising strictly stopped
Surreal silence on the streets.
State supported salaries
Sport suspended, season scrapped.
Stay safe, save lives. Self- isolate.

Tragedy. Turmoil. Trying times.
Travel timetables terminally trashed
Troglodytes are totally trendy.
Trump is still a tosser

Uncle Ulysses in Uptown Uckfield
uploaded his unaccompanied ukelele usage
to You Tube.
Utterly underwhelming.

Vitriol, venom, vacuous verbosity,
vile viral vilification.
Vacebook.

Walking (one walk). world wide web. Wa…..
Woaaahhh. What? What you watching?
Weirdo!

X?? Errr… xflip!
Xpress love
X X X X X
Xcellent.

You tube. Yoga. Yo-yos. Yearning for yesteryear.
Yeah… yawn.

Zoom! Zpoken word’s new Zeitgeist. Zaviour!
Zuddenly, Zest at its Zenith.

Ze end!